By: Jennifer in Arkansas
Children are God’s love-gift; they are heaven’s generous reward. Psalm 127:3
Mommy. Such a powerful word. Most little girl’s childhood dream is to grow up and become a Mommy themselves. To have a little God-gift baby to love and cherish. This was my dream as well. I grew up, got married, and was so excited to live out my fairytale childhood dreams.
Except sometimes our fairytales don’t have a “Happily Ever After.” Sometimes the story is hard and painful. I hope you will let me share a little of my story with you. The pain is there, yes, but that isn’t the end. You see, there’s a second act to my story!
My husband and I had our first son and were over the moon excited. He was the most beautiful baby and we absolutely loved being his parents. It wasn’t always easy, but I was finally a Mommy. That little boy had my whole heart from the first moment, and I thank God every day for the gift that he is.
A few years later we decided to try for another baby. We got pregnant easily, but were devastated when the pregnancy ended with a miscarriage a month later.
You formed my innermost being, shaping my delicate inside and my intricate outside, and you wove them all together in my mother’s womb. Psalm 139:13
Soon thereafter, we were pregnant again, believing that the worst was behind us. Looking forward to this new little life, we eagerly anticipated each doctor’s appointment and the gift that this baby would be to our family. At our eighteen-week doctor’s appointment, we were told that our baby, our most precious gift from God, had a fatal congenital heart defect. With much prayer, we turned our baby and her healing over to God, knowing that there was nothing the doctors could do for her. The next few weeks were a gift of time. We were able to live, love, and enjoy the time we had with our baby, to do the things we would not get to do later. Each moment is a treasured memory of love.
I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow- not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below- indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39
Two weeks later, our little girl, our Gracie Lynne, was gone from this earth, but healed to walk forever with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. The pain of that time in my life is palpable, heavy, consuming, suffocating. And yet… Through it all, in it all, because of it all, God was and is there. God never ever left or forsake us. His love was greater than all the pain and the heartache and the utter emptiness. He showed us over and over again His unending love and mercy, even when we cried out in anger or despair.
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28
When our children died, my biggest fear was that they would be forgotten. I wanted people to remember them. I wanted their lives to have meaning and purpose. My children dying was not “good.” It was and is horrible. However, I have chosen to see the beauty in the ashes and to choose to allow God to use the bad for good. The glimpses of God at work in the eight years since her death are some of the most beautiful parts of my life. God has opened the doors for me in new friendships, in ministry, in heart-healing glimpses of the glory that will be when I get to Heaven.
Holy Sews clothed my Gracie Lynne on the day she was delivered. They were the hands and feet of Jesus to our family when we were in the utmost need. It has been a blessing and a gift to serve others and show love much in the same way that it was shown to us. God brought Holy Sews into my life as a way for me to keep the memory of my children alive, to give their life a purpose on this Earth by glorifying our Father in Heaven with my work through this ministry. It has been a truly humbling experience to walk alongside other people, some friends and some strangers, in their time of loss and grief since my children have died. I would have never known this pain so intimately, or have been in a position to help others without the experiences and pain in my own life.
Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy. Psalm 126:5
I miss my children every single day. I think about how old they would be, what they would like, what our family would be like, how it would sound to have them call me Mommy. The truth is, though, that death was not the end for my children. Their story is still being written. I will continue to plant seeds of God’s love and hope in this life, sharing our story and God’s love with every person that I can. I will allow God to use me to help others and to tell people of His great, unending love for each of us. Then, when I get to Heaven, I can tell my children about how God used their life here on this Earth, no matter how short it was, to help other people know about Jesus and just how very much He loves each of us. I yearn for Heaven in a way that I never did before. There is a smile on my face imagining the day those two little precious gifts from God run to me in Heaven and we glorify God together, forever.