I knew from the moment I learned I was pregnant that something was wrong. Nothing indicated that something was wrong, but I just knew. I cried and begged my husband, Brent, not to announce it to our friends and family yet, because I was just sure that I was going to have a miscarriage. I had miscarried a few years earlier, so I just knew that something was going to go wrong with this pregnancy too.
Brent and I made it to 12 weeks and everything seemed to be progressing completely normal; however, we waited until I hit 16 weeks before we told family and friends. So, at 16 weeks the announcement was made and everyone was so excited. All of us were so happy and knew that in four short weeks we would find out if it was a boy or a girl.
Our next appointment was at 20 weeks and we couldn’t wait to find out the gender; however, during the exam, Brent and I were told that there was a massive issue with our baby. Due to the lack of amniotic fluid, we had to wait to find out the gender of our sweet one. After our blood work came back, we found out that our baby was a little boy, and we decided to name him, Samuel David.
The journey after our 20 week appointment turned into one big appointment after another trying to determine if there was anything we could do to save little Samuel. I immediately went into typical mom mode. I prayed, begged, and grieved with God; however, somehow I just knew. I went and sat through every high-risk appointment; however, somehow I just already knew. God gave me strength and I felt He gave me the task of guiding my family through this deep, dark valley full of tremendous grief.
I was told that I probably wouldn’t be able to carry Samuel for more than 27 weeks, but I was given the privilege to carry him close to my heart for 39 weeks and 5 days. God gave me extra time with Samuel and I was given the opportunity to get to know my child and carry him to full term. Sadly, I woke up on that Saturday morning and realized my cord had prolapsed. Brent rushed us to the hospital and once they confirmed that there was no heartbeat, I knew Samuel was safely in the arms of Jesus. During my delivery, we had so many complications including him being breach, that the doctors decided to go old school and knock me out. I woke up just in time to push his perfect sweet head out and to hold my darling baby.
I wrapped sweet Samuel in the blanket that my mother-in-law made for him. The blanket was made from old shirts from my husband and father-in-law. The peace of God was so obvious in the room that I knew it was all going to be ok. I slept the whole night with my child in my arms.
The next day the funeral home came to the hospital to get Samuel, and I could not hand him over. I had to ask everyone to leave the room and have Brent take Samuel from me. I watched Brent take Samuel out the door to them. Looking down at my empty arms, the realization that I would never be able to hold my child again on this earth sunk in, and I simply wept.
Our funeral home had the memorial service all set up for us to do a final blessing, like the one in the book, Little Women. It was the perfect way to say goodbye to our sweet boy. Even now, my heart continues to hurt every day, but God is teaching me ways to cope. He has blessed me with so many opportunities to see His’ glory throughout all of this. I do not believe we ever really heal from this, but I do believe we grow from this. It is through the hardest and darkest of times that we see where our faith lies in Him.
